The Law Actually 2009 Review

2009 has been a good year for the Michael all told. I completed my LLM, landed a great legal job (and did so just before handing in my dissertation, so the timing was perfect), earned more money than I’d expected overall, and generally survived yet another year in this miserable world. OK, perhaps that’s a touch harsh, but it’s not all been sweetness and light along the way.

2009 high-point:

- completing my LLM exams

- erm …

…There are probably a load more but I like to focus on the negative! ;-)

2009 low-points:

• - being stuck in my stuffy home office during the summer, slaving away on my dissertation. As readers of my blawg are aware, that quickly degenerated into a DVD-fest as I chain-watched my way through series 1 and 2 of Spooks, series 1 – 4 of the Office - An American Workplace and a bunch of other stuff too. I really loved my LLM but the dissertation process really took the sparkle off of it, sadly.
• 
  - Realising the best internet connection I could receive in the new house was 512mbps.
• 
  - When Michael Schumacher had to call off his return to racing in August.

And with that out of the way, I guess now’s the time to be looking forward to 2010.

I’ve got a New Year’s resolution (kind of relating to my blog and social networking services) that will ABSOLUTELY BLOW YOUR MINDS in the next couple of days so, you know, stay tuned for that one! ;-)

More seriously, though, now my GF and I are both in relatively stable full time employment, we’re looking to buy our first house in the coming months and do a few more ‘normal’ things (like taking a conventional holiday together with no work/study distractions etc. etc.). As for the rest, I guess I’ll just have to wing it!

Anyway, here’s to a good one!

December’s Wacky Search Terms

There have been rich pickings for weird and wonderful search terms over the last month.  Here are some of my favourites.

“formula on how to benchmark high attrition of lawyers” - I think it's called the credit crunch... don't ask me for the formula though.

“just minxy models” - Just?

“perv chat” - oh you dirty web-surfer, you.

“fu*k you” – Charming.  Just charming.  Why would somebody search for this?  I guess that's the typical Bing.com user for you!  :p

"santa claus sample" - oh boy... a sample of what, exactly?

“what to revise for property equity and trusts exam” – try your syllabus for starters.  But aren't property law and equity and trusts usually split?!  

“shenanigans law” - ....I smell a sitcom brewing!!

“send-a-smile office 2010 turn off” - it certainly turned me off from the beta until I disabled it.

“facebook sex” - I get about half of dozen of this searches on Law Actually most days.  Shocking, isn't it?

“grandpas porn” - oh.... dear!!  You'll find nothing to get 'Gramps' off at Law Actually, I'm afraid.  Or is this Gramps in the starring role - which is even more disturbing? 

“are people who own fountain pens lawyers?” - Well, probably not ALL of them...

“advocate cocktails” - ill-advised.

“getting a job in new york as llm”  Ok… I'm going to explain to you everything that's wrong with that question... this might take a while....

“how to make use of a calligraphic biro” - a calligraphic biro... errrrrm.....  I refer you to my previous response.

"jeans bared her buttocks" - I hope the surfer from New South Wales who searched for this found what they were looking for...

"uk laws against santa" - seriously, what is this?

“in a lecture would you need to sit at the front with a Dictaphone” - Oh, no - most dictaphone users go out of their way to cause maximum annoyance/frustration to others present in room.  They usually insist on sitting at the back but squeeze by and scramble over everybody else to go and place their wretched dictaphone at the front, switch it on and off during breaks and, of course, collect it at the end.

"underwear problems in office" -I should imagine there were lots of 'underwear problems' across offices all over the UK this month - what with it being Christmas party season and all!  ;-)

“death cow attack” - Is this some kind of Star Wars spoof?

"nigella lawson gloopily and glossily" Oh yeah?!?! :p   ;-)

"santa claus laws" - Strange as this might seem, there are no laws that I know of (in England and Wales at least) that specifically pertain to Santa Claus.  That's not to say that no laws at all apply to him - see my previous post.

“lawyer on christmas tree” - I guess it makes a change from an angel, though it would certainly bring tears to his or her eyes.

“hitting dead ends with the dissertation” – An inevitable stage of the process.

“free nasty texting” – Please, show some restraint!

“colorado's vail ski accident l dangling upside legal sues down and pantless a ski lift. vail's blue sky basin” - It started off well, didn't it and then....?  Typing random words into Google isn’t usually the best way to quickly find what you’re looking for.  And just out of interest, what WERE you trying to look for?!

“i am here as the personal lawyer of the deceased to ensure that we have a successfully claim” - I think you can all make your own minds up about this one.

“dissertation work for bed students” – bed students?  Is this a lazy form of distance learning?

“old boys clubs, uk, law” - It's invitation only, I'm afraid.

“paralegaling in hospitals” - Is that essentially junior ambulance chasing?

“sexey x-mis photos” - I'm not sure if that's a poor attempt at a play on words or just dodgy spelling.

“the legal law of the usage of a Dictaphone” - the legal law - I love it.  :D

...and to top it off, here's a classic I found yesterday - a visitor from New Jersey with an apparent problem has turned to Google for help:

"sperm when texting a girl" - what do you even say to that?  :-|

Santa Claus: Legal Risk Assessment

Following on from my post last week regarding Santa setting a bad example, I've got a few more suggestions for making Santa Claus a touch more politically correct (plus a bunch of concerns for potential liability and steps that could be taken to mitigate those risks).

He’s an older gent – so tick the box for heading-off allegations of ageism.

He’s white and male though, so he’ll need plenty of female elves (and ideally those from ethnic minority backgrounds) - see the Race Relations Act 1996 (as amended).  Perhaps Santa should morph into some kind of androgynous character, just to make doubly-sure the anti-sexism box is checked.

Using reindeer as his means of transport puts a bit fat tick in the 'watching his carbon footprint' box - should keep Greenpeace happy - (score one for Santa).  :-)

This is negated, though, by potential allegations of animal cruelty.  Also, watch the food-miles of the reindeer’s fodder.

As much as I like Christmas and the concept of Santa, the lawyer in me says he should call the whole thing off entirely and enjoy his retirement.  For starters, his antics on 24th December would be to open himself up to liability in respect of claims of trespass.  Moreover, leaving gifts scattered around could also lead to personal injury claims from homeowners tripping over them or otherwise injuring themselves.

Santa must also have had a criminal records check (and any other necessary checks) seeing as he’ll potentially be coming into contact with young children – particularly where he creeps in under the pretext of leaving gifts in the bedroom of a sleeping child.  (Social Services would be having kittens at this prospect, no doubt).

Flying his sleigh at more than the speed of light is also a potential litigious nightmare, not to mention the high likelihood of him falling foul of various aviation and driving offences.

He should voluntarily take a breathalyser check after stopping at each home (just to prove he’s left those glasses of sherry utterly untouched) and pull over every couple of hours for a break, lest he should fall asleep at the reins.

He should also ensure he’s fully insured for his deliver-a-thon on 24^th and that his insurance is valid across the globe.

To the extent that it's applicable, questions should also be asked regarding Santa's compliance with the Data Protection Act 1998 in respect of his keeping names, addresses and the wish-lists of giftees on record.

In the interests of mitigating potential civil claims and heading-off possible criminal charges, Santa should wear a head-mounted camera so that his exploits are recorded for evidential purposes.  After all, should he come into contact with an excitable child who caught him in the act of leaving gifts or an aggrieved homeowner wondering why the old codger’s landed on their roof, without hard evidence, it’ll be their word against his.  The last thing Santa wants is a trip down to the local station half way through the night on a charge of some offence against the person, or, God forbid, something under the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

Naturally, to the extent that the video footage is retained, compliance with the DPA (see above) should be verified.

Best also make sure Santa has got suitable legal representation, ready to nip down to the local police station anywhere in the world, should the police arrest and interview him during the night.  Might want to look to a magic-circle firm for this kind of cover.  ;-)

And this is all before we start considering Health and Safety legislation, plus the thorny issue of potential liability over defective gifts which cause injuries to the giftees.

I should imagine that employment law as it applies to the elves and Santa's other pint-sized helpers making the gifts, would prove to be a bit of a proverbial can of worms.

I hope his 2009 exploits passed without significant incident.  I've not heard anything on the news at least.  ;D

The Christmas Crapper

Found this via digg earlier.

Crapping.  Cracking!  :D

Christmas Eve versus Boxing Day

Whether you’re counting today as Boxing Day or the Bank Holiday on Monday, I think the point’s equally valid.

 

So true!

My Xmas Eve Journey Nightmare

Christmas Eve proved a touch eventful for the Michael and what should have been a 4 hour journey down to Cornwall took well over double that. The fact I’m nursing the onset of a cold, only made matters worse.

I’d been feeling a touch rough in the last few days with a pathetic tickly cough (with curiously few other symptoms) but on Wednesday night and all of Thursday, I was sounding more like a dirty old man with throat cancer. Whenever I spoke on my mobile in public, I found I was attracting curious glances (some bordering on stares) from nearby travellers.

Having driven halfway down to Cornwall with my GF, I initially missed the train I had intended to catch after stupidly following our Sat-Nav’s advice which took us on an off-piste adventure through the twisty and icy roads running through the Cheddar Gorge. I returned to my GF’s parents’ house in Exeter while I waited for the next non-stopping train down to Cornwall.

When I finally returned to the station some two hours later, it transpired that kids / vandals / someone with a grudge had stolen a bunch of signal cabling from the Taunton area which wreaked absolute havoc for all Christmas travellers trying to get up and down through the Westcountry! Once I’d finally made it down to the Plymouth, the final leg of my journey (so much for booking a trip with no changes) was further mired by some curry-stinking goon with an apparent cold sitting next to me and a very annoying ‘artist’ opposite who was chatting incessantly to some bearded guy whose sycophancy towards the former was nauseating.

Suffice it to say, I was having a tough time embracing the festive spirit. Other than that, though, Christmas was fine.

But thank God it’s over for another year.

Schumi Returns – (for real this time!!) :D

Today it was announced that the legendary Michael Schumacher would be a making a much-anticipated return to F1 with Mercedes. When the possibility of Schumi returning to deputise for the injured Felipe Massa after the Hungarian grand prix this year, I became incredibly, uncontrollably excited. And believe me, that doesn’t happen very often – I’m quite a low-voltage kind of guy.

As I infamously tweeted at the time:

“No matter how excited you might think I am at the prospect of Schumi returning, I’m a little bit more!”

And that pretty much sums it up this time, too. I’m absolutely thrilled that Michael’s returning and 2010 promises to be a great season. You can’t help wondering whether Mercedes didn’t have this planned all along and wanted shot of the mediocre Button in favour of a true (and German) great. McLaren, of course, were labelling the signing of Button as a massive coup over Mercedes – I guess the joke’s on them now!

Michael, of course, started his professional motorsport career with Mercedes and he referred to this move allowing his career come full circle in a press release earlier. There was always a feeling he retired before he was ready and that sublime drive in his final race in 2006 hinted that even more greatness was yet to come.

Schumi left Ferrari, of course, after they had painted themselves into a corner with their 2007 driver line-up when Ferrari snapped up Raikkonen. I’ve always felt that hiring Raikkonen was more about snatching him away from McLaren rather than truly wanting Kimi for his undoubted skills as a racing driver. Kimi’s personality always dictated that he was never going to rally the troops and inspire the team during the difficult moments – Ferrari always knew that and made no apparent effort to modify the team and their way of working to better incorporate Kimi’s idiosyncrasies. And now they’ve dumped Kimi and hired Alonso, who they hope will emulate Michael’s approach.

In any event, I think the glory days for Ferrari are over – for now at least, and Alonso’s signing will do little to change that. As more and more of the dream team (Michael Schumacher, Jean Todt, Ross Brawn and Rory Byrne, etc.) have left, the force behind the Scuderia has dwindled markedly. But with Michael now returning to the paddock a new chapter begins - and that’s what truly matters.

F1 is F1 again with the greatest driver of all time returning to the sport. :D