Finger lickin’ crazy

From the Metro 20/09/12:

A deranged customer who rammed his car into a KFC restaurant because staff refused to serve him a bargain bucket has been jailed.

Hugh Brown flipped (a burger? / the lid of a KFC bucket?) when workers would not serve him the £10.99 meal deal because the fast food shop had closed 20 minutes earlier.

Ohh – I remember the time when a bargain bucket was £9.99 AND you got 10 pieces of chicken.  Those were the days!

He flew into a rage reminiscent of scenes from the Michael Douglas film Falling Down after going to the drive-through window only to be told the outlet was shut for the day.

Eewwph. Not pretty.

Brown then drove his car into the front window of the building. CCTV pictures show him grabbing a 6m (20ft) metal pole from the debris and using it to threaten three members of staff.

He sure was hungry. Or as the “have a go hero” aboard the bus in “Speed” might have uttered, “that man sure has a hard-on for a bit of Kentucky fried chicken”. (You’ll have to imagine the accent).  Or something.

As the terrified workers cowered in the kitchen, Brown hurled the pole at them ‘like a javelin’ and fled.

Hoping to spear a run-away chicken wing, no doubt?

The police arrived and as he tried to escape he slammed his vehicle into a  patrol car four times. 

When he was arrested Brown, 50, told officers: ‘I did it because they wouldn’t give me a bargain bucket.’ He admitted charges of affray, damaging property, dangerous driving and attempted grievous bodily harm with intent.

And what troopers the staff were who had to cope with Brown’s frenzied antics.  I would have a thought a fast food kitchen would be dangerous enough place anyway, with all kinds of injuries lying in wait. What with deep fat fryers to fall head first into, chicken bones to choke on and those evil sachets of salt just waiting to disease your heart, getting a scaffolding pole hurtled at you from a deranged wannabe customer would likely be water off a rubber glove to those burger-flipping heroes.

Brown, who lives in the town, scaled a garage roof after crashing his car into a police vehicle to escape. 

As officers tried to coax him down he  yelled: ‘I’ve got Hep [hepatitis] C, I’ll spit on you.’

Goodness. What a charmer.

Maxine Krone, defending, said Brown was taking medication for an anxiety disorder at the time of the attack.

Probably more accurate to say “he was prescribed medication”. I think it’s safe to assume he wasn’t guilty of taking it.

But what a silly chap. After being turned away from the drive through, couldn’t he have bombed down to the 24/7 ASDA, bought a box full of the SFC rip-off imitation KFC meals and trotted off home to cook them in his oven? Ahem. I know they’re a poor substitute, but it’s better than going to jail.

Still, at least he didn’t do what I did a few years ago: walk in and ask for two “coll-own-ell meals” to be met by a response akin to walking into a monastery and asking if there are any whores around who are up for it. 

I don’t know what possessed me to pronounce “colonel” in that manner.  But, then again, I don’t know what possesses me to do a lot of things from time to time. 

Anyhoo, rather than diverting tax payers’ money putting the wheels of the criminal justice system in motion against Brown, I’d have hauled his sorry ass before “the” Colonel Sanders and had him courts martialled. (I’m sure that would have involved letting frustrated prison guards beat his sorry carcass with frozen chicken drummers – Guantanamo Bay style, naturally. 

Btw, I’m sure the Colonel and Rolf Harris are distantly related.  In a dim light maybe?