Nissan Micra driver reconceptualises traffic laws

(By which I mean, the driver decided to drive on the left but on the wrong side of a dual carriageway.)  It’s easily done. 

Ahem.

From Cornwall Live 14/02/17:

Shocking footage has captured the moment a Nissan Micra driver was caught on camera driving the wrong way down the busy A30 at rush hour.

[Bus Driver Jimmers] Thomas told Cornwall Live: "This little car bumbled past obliviously. I was very lucky to meet it by a layby where the road was wider, it's unbelievable that nobody was hurt."

He added that the car had a chance to pull in, but didn't seem interest in stopping.

[Wannabe highway cameraman] Jason Griffiths also posted this scary video with some strong language from this morning to Facebook [.]

But my favourite response was from Tweeter Adrian Edwards who commented:

"OMG just had a near death expeireance we were driving up the A30 and suddenly there was a purple micra coming down the wrong way in the fast lane we only just missed it as there was a van in front of us had ivy in the car too shit me up big time I'm shaking !!!!!"

And just to prove it, here’s a screenshot of the tweet.

Mr Edwards was left so ‘shit up’ (or should that be shat?), that his attention to punctuation deserted him. But that’s pretty much the norm for virtually all exchanges on social media these days. I think we were better off in the days of ‘textspeak’.

And what became the driver of the offending Micra, you ask.

Police said a 58-year-old woman from the St Merryn area, near Padstow, was taken into custody.

Party Games: pin the invoice on the schoolchild

From BBC News 19/01/15:

A five-year-old was billed for failing to attend a friend's birthday party - resulting in threats of legal action.

Alex Nash, from Cornwall, was invited to the party just before Christmas.

An invoice for £15.95 was sent by his schoolfriend's mother Julie Lawrence, who said Alex's non-attendance left her out of pocket and his parents had her details to tell her he was not going.

Alex's father Derek said he had been told he would be taken to the small claims court for refusing to pay.

Alex's parents, from Torpoint, had accepted an invitation to the party at a dry ski slope in Plymouth, Devon, just before Christmas.

However, they realised their son was double-booked and due to spend time with his grandparents, which he did.

I suppose sending an invoice is one way of doing it. (But really – what was she thinking?)

Putting the silliness of the situation to one side for a moment, could Mrs Lawrence make this claim stick? Let’s think about that one.

I think the answer’s probably no.

An action in contract would almost certainly fail for there being no intention to create legal relations, as well as there being serious doubts over the validity of both consideration and capacity (assuming, on this latter point, that it was the five year old who was entering into this supposed contract).

On the consideration point, I suppose it’s just about conceivable that a person agreeing to provide a place for another at a party, and that other agreeing to attend that party, might qualify as valid consideration. But I doubt it. Legal commentators have long observed that a court will always find consideration in circumstances in which it wants to make that finding. But I really can’t imagine that this would be one of those situations. You’d need a pretty creative advocate to even have a chance of successfully arguing that consideration can be reasonably inferred here.

So contract’s out. What else can we try?

What about tort?  Would Mrs Lawrence have any better luck bringing a claim for negligence (against the parents of Alex)?

I don’t think so.  Even if a duty of care could be established here, any claim in negligence would almost certainly fall foul of the general rule against recovery for pure economic loss.  What a bummer.

What about a claim in restitution then (we’re really scraping the barrel now)?

But there’s been no unjust enrichment by Alex or his parents. Another dead end.

I think we’re out of options, folks.  At least I can’t think of any.

So what might Mrs Lawrence have done differently?

I suppose she might have agreed with Alex’s parents that if he didn’t show up for the party, they’d pay her the relevant admission fee, and she could have recorded that agreement in a deed (correctly executed of course).

But short of that, I think she’ll have to whistle for her money.

And now the media have gotten hold of the story, her plan to try and recover that fifteen quid has backfired spectacularly.

Oh well. You can’t win them all.

Sweating like a pig

Actually, I’m not.  I like the heat.  I seem to run at a fairly low temperature all year which makes the winters utter misery for me.

But it’s also a curse in the summer – all courtesy of a little piece of hell called air con.

Why is it that offices insist on cranking it up to the highest of high?  Perhaps office managers imagine lawyers do their best work when their icy lairs are kept desperately chilly.

I certainly don’t.  I have to keep taking breaks to run up and down the stairs to get some heat back into my limbs.

Never mind.

Talking of heat, I was amused by an email from PC World Business that plopped into my inbox yesterday.  Anything for a sale, eh?

But what really did it for me was the selection of fans available when you  clicked ‘view range’.

After the rather predictable array of desk and pedestal fans, including some bizarre and extortionately priced Dyson things, came these couple of brarmers:

Hand fans.  Hand fans?!?  Sold by PC World Business?  Are you shitting me?

How many office workers do they think are going to sit at their desks waving a hand fan to and fro in front of them, dicing with death as the rotating blades come perilously close to their lips?

I’ve really seen it all now.

Overriding Objections

From PI Brief Update email sent 12/06/14:

Last month's practitioner's section reported the case of Kaneria v Kaneria [2014] EWHC 1165 (Ch), in which it was held that Mitchell principles do not apply to in time applications for an extension of time. It was held that these applications should be decided by reference to the overriding objection [sic].

Hehe. That’s super. In my experience, litigation gives rise to a lot of ‘overriding objections’.

Court stenographer apes Jack Torrance from The Shining

Well, in some respects.

From the New York Post 03/04/14:

An alcoholic Manhattan court stenographer went rogue, channeling his inner “Shining” during a high-profile criminal trial and repeatedly typing, “I hate my job, I hate my job” instead of the trial dialogue, sources told The Post.

Heeeres Johnnny! 

The bizarre antics by Daniel Kochanski, who has since been fired, wreaked havoc on some 30 Manhattan court cases, sources said, and now officials are scrambling to repair the damage.

One high-level source said his “gibberish” typing may have jeopardized hard-won convictions by giving criminals the chance to claim crucial evidence is missing.

A source familiar with the case said Kochanski’s transcripts of that trial were a total mess.

“It should have been questions and answers — instead it was gibberish,” the source said.

And in a scene right out of 1980’s “The Shining,” where Jack Nicholson’s off-the-rails writer repeatedly types “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” a source said of Kochanski: “He hit random keys or wrote, ‘I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job,’ over and over.”

I can see why court reporting might do that to someone. 

Slippery slope for Bristol law students

The University of Bristol’s law school is housed in the Wills Memorial Building which is the large castle-like building at the top of the hill in the picture.  Put another way, it’s perfectly positioned for students to sprint out of lectures and slalom their way down a water slide once lectures are over for the day.

Why couldn’t studying law be more like that when I was a student, eh? 

When the slide is set up for a day (yes, that’s all!) in the summer, let’s hope the road is properly closed to traffic.  I don’t want to hear of law students studying tort having their studies bolstered by first hand experiences of negligence claims!  Lucky that the Bristol Royal Infirmary is just down the road.

Australian Grand Prix organisers considering possible claim for breach of contract

When I first heard an audio clip of the new Mercedes F1 powertrain running last summer, I knew trouble was coming. This year’s pre-season testing only reinforced that for me.

Now that the first race of the season in Australia is behind us, there can be no doubt.
F1, as we knew it, is dead.

For me, F1 is synonymous with the scream of a V10 engine which the sport adopted between the years of 1995 - 2005.  As a result, I wasn't particularly pleased when the regulations were changed for the 2006 season which saw a switch to V8 powerplants. But this year’s move to V6s has changed the sound beyond all recognition.

The visceral scream of an F1 engine in full anger is such a fundamental part of the atmosphere and identity of F1, taking it away is unthinkable.

But that's exactly what happened. The new engines have reduced the sound of the sport to something resembling an electric go kart formula. It's beyond disappointing; it's heart-breaking.

In the wake of the first farcical Grand Prix of the season, the media is now awash with news that organisers of the Australian Grand Prix are considering the possibility of bringing a claim for breach of contract against the commercial rights holder of F1 which arranges Grands Prix with the different race venues around the world.

Here’s what ESPN have to say:

Australian Grand Prix organisers claim their contract may have been breached because the Formula One cars were not loud enough.

Andrew Westacott, Australian Grand Prix Corporation (AGPC) chief executive, said after the race that the rule changes had impacted on the "sexiness" of the event and as a result fans did not get what they paid for.

I'll second that.

AGPC chairman Ron Walker has contacted Bernie Ecclestone and made it clear organisers are unhappy.

"One aspect of it was just a little bit duller than it's ever been before and that's part of the mix and the chemistry that they're going to have to get right," Westacott said. "Ron spoke to [Ecclestone] after the race and said the fans don't like it in the venue.

That's putting it mildly.

"We pay for a product, we've got contracts in place, we are looking at those very, very seriously because we reckon there has probably been some breaches."

Without knowing the content of the contract, it's impossible to say whether the Auz Grand Prix organisers may have a claim. Even if they do, it's far more likely to be settled quickly, with the assurance of some measures being taken to beef up the sound and the high-octane atmosphere for future years.

A thought struck me earlier. Why can't the FIA liaise with the 3 engine manufacturers currently in F1 (Mercedes, Ferrari and Renault) to essentially licence the powertrain technology to other motorsport series throughout the world? Heck, maybe there's even a place for a dumbed-down version of it in road cars - even at this stage. That way, F1 could rid itself of this millstone, allow the manufacturers to recoup some of the massive investment they've had to plough in to develop this technology and, crucially, allow the FIA to save face.

Westacott, who listed among his gripes the fact he did not need earplugs even in the pit lane, warned that European spectators were even more likely to be unhappy with the much quieter spectacle.

"Previously, it shakes the bones," he said. "I'd be confident we'll have a different sound next year."

I hope he's right.

I really don't think the passage of time is going to help F1 fans adjust to the new noise.  Something’s got to give.

Connubial Chaos – it started with a kiss

Actually, it started with a water pistol and a pork pie. Like all true love stories, right?

From the Telegraph 17/02/14:

A couple's wedding celebrations were interrupted by a brawl that is thought to have started over a pork pie.

Officers from the dog section at West Yorkshire Police tweeted that they were on the way to the ''large fight'' in Bradford which led to three arrests.

The tweet said: ''All started over a pork pie apparently!''

Ah. The food for the reception must have been selected from the ‘garage snack’ range rather than the gourmet menu. More shopping cart than a la carte.

Around 30 to 40 wedding guests were involved in the disturbance at the wedding of Wendy Carter and her fiance Ryan Barraclough.

Chris Sowden, 43, steward at the Harold Club said: "People had been drinking since 2pm.

The class of a traditional English wedding!

"It all started with a water pistol then a pork pie got thrown.

It beats confetti I suppose.

"It was completely out of control and by the end about 30 to 40 guests had got involved.

"The bride was devastated. Her dress was ruined, she had a lovely big white gown and it had beer and WKD all over it.

Thank God no champagne was wasted in the brawl, that’s all I can say.

"Mostly people had some cuts and bruises but one of the women involved the initial fight had her cheek bitten and her ear bitten.

Sgt Claire Smith, of Tong and Wyke Neighbourhood Policing Team, said: "Two arrests were made for assault and one for a public order matter."

The public order arrest resulted in a fixed penalty and the other two people were bailed pending further enquiries.

I wonder if the bride and groom honeymooned in Melton Mowbray?

Oh Cakes… Oh My!

From the Metro 06/01/14:

A woman was sent a cake that resembled human faeces with the words ‘eat s**t’ written on it after a dispute with the baker.

Charming.  It must have been quite some dispute.

Micaela Harris was left embarrassed, and her nieces upset, when she pulled off some ‘magnificent’ wrapping paper to reveal the rude looking creation at her engagement party in New Zealand.

Still, I’m sure nobody present will ever forget it.  It’s not every engagement party that gives its guests the chance to munch on a turd-styled cake! 

Thank God Oh Cakes were not supplying the wedding cake as well.

The poo cake was retaliation against her sister who had had a disagreement with Oh Cakes owner Emma McDonald when organising the gift.

[Harris said] ‘I think it [the disagreement] was taken too far.’

‘As a business owner you come across customers you don’t like but you have got to take the highs and the lows, got to suck it up.’

Given the style of the cake, I’d say that was an unfortunate choice of phrase!

McDonald seemed unrepentant after the incident and even posted news stories about the cake on her Facebook page.

She wrote: ‘Nothing really negative that I’ve seen apart from a few who didn’t read and understand it properly.

‘Seems to be pooping popping up everywhere… business opportunities have been thrown my way as well.’

Heck, maybe there’s demand out there for shit-styled cakes.  After all, you can’t exactly pop into Marks and Spencers for one, can you?

I wonder what it tasted like!  I mean – it looks chocolaty, right?

Goodwill to all: charity volunteer assaulted over Christmas greeting

From Las Vegas CBS Central 17/12/13:

A Salvation Army bell ringer claims she was assaulted by a woman for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” outside of a Walmart.

Kristina Vindiola was ringing a bell outside of a Phoenix-area Walmart when she said “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” to a woman.

“The lady looked at me,” Vindiola explained to KNXV. “I thought she was going to put money in the kettle. She came up to me and said, ‘Do you believe in God?’ And she says, ‘You’re supposed to say Merry Christmas,’ and that’s when she hit me.”

What the woman did next caught Vindiola by surprise. She told KNXV that the woman hit her in the arm and proceeded to go inside the store to shop. Vindiola told a manager who called the police.

The surveillance video didn’t have enough evidence for Phoenix police to arrest the woman accused in the assault. However, Vindiola said she plans to take legal action.

As a non-American, I’ve always found the expression ‘Happy Holidays’ to be a little odd.  But, come on: punching someone because they used that phrase is a touch OTT – even in America.  

Why is it the original values behind celebrating Christmas seem to grow scarcer (and more alien to the modern world) as each year passes?

‘Spike Away’ vest turns commuters into hazardous porcupines

From the Huffington Post 04/12/13:

Sick of your face being shmooshed into someone's armpit? Your head being used as a book rest? Feeling violated before you've even got into work?

Err, yes, yes and yes.  On a daily basis.

Cramped commuters of the world rejoice, a young designer has come up with the perfect solution.

Siew Ming Cheng has evidently had enough of rush hour on the Singapore subway.

Those space-invading commuters have brushed up against, knocked and pushed her one too many times, and now the young creative is declaring war on space snatchers with special body armour: the Spike Away vest.

Explaining her idea she said: "A quick brainstorming leads to a everyday situation. Trains are usually crowded during peak hours. Everybody will push each other to try and get onto the train.

"How can I protect my personal space? The idea was then conceived. 'What if I wear a vest that is full of spikes?'"

Yikes. That really could have someone’s eye out!  Just look at the reaction of the chap on the left. Pictures really do tell a thousand words.

Plus, wouldn’t it make it tricky to wear back-pack or other shoulder bag?

Quirky though it is, I fear the Spike Away vest may never make it past the ‘proof of concept’ stage. Every time it’s used, the wearer is potentially inviting dozens of personal injury claims being brought against them, not to mention the risk of being dragged off the train or bus head first and given a thorough beating.  Have you seen some of the people travelling on the tube?!?

And whilst it might help to encourage some people to keep their distance, the vest doesn’t appear to offer much protection from opportunistic gropers on the prowl.  ‘Bum grazing’, as I’ve heard it called, is rife on on the underground!

Why law schools should teach humility

Because otherwise they might churn out graduates capable off this type of nauseating display of pomposity.

I’m assuming it’s a law student in private accommodation. Please don’t tell me it’s a trainee solicitor!

The full, painful text is as follows:

Dear Neighbours,

My name is [blank] and I live in Flat [blank] on the [blank] floor of [blank]. As Saturday is St Andrew’s Day, I will be throwing a small party at my place to celebrate the day with friends. My guests are expected to arrive soon after 20:00 and leave before midnight. I will do my best to keep the noise levels down, but, as accommodating to everyone’s idea of what noise levels should be during a party is not always possible, I apologise in advance for any disruption that may be caused.

If any problem arises during that time (or if you think I should be kicked out of the block straight away), please do not hesitate to:

(a) Contact me directly on [blank] as I will do my best to solve it immediately.

(b) (i) As people expected to turn up are lawyers-to-be and trainee solicitors, I suggest you don’t try calling the police, since they probably know the law better than you.

(ii) If you are a lawyer, please refer to section (a) above.

Knowing many of you are going away for Christmas, I would also like to seize the opportunity and wish you a very Merry Christmas, full of love, family memories and understanding (noisy neighbours included).

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Best Regards

[Blank]

Seize the opportunity and wish them a merry Christmas?  I bet the neighbours in question want to seize him or her by the neck!  (Something tells me it was a male who wrote this – and probably a male with ‘small man syndrome’.)

The clincher for me, though, was the capitalised R in “Best Regards”.

Found here.

A Judge, a penis pump and an unfortunately-placed banner ad

From Roll on Friday 25/10/13:

A judge who was jailed for using a penis pump in court has had his pension stopped.

American County Court judge Donald D. Thompson was convicted of indecent exposure in 2006 after being caught using the device under his robes while presiding on the bench. He served 20 months in an Oklahoma prison - hardly a walk in the park for anyone, but presumably particularly grim for a judge with an enhanced penis.

Ahem.

Rather than make any wisecracks at this story (believe me, it was quite tough to refrain from doing so), I’ll simply post a screenshot that I took when I first saw the story.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

It looks like the well-endowed LexisNexis has lucked-in on some unexpected extra publicity.

I guess some legal publishers fall on their feet and others just don’t.

Nope, it’s not coffee: students’ laundry defaced by ‘poopetrator’

From the Huffington Post 03/10/13:

Yale University students are being terrorized by what some students are referring to as a "poopetrator."

The university is tightening security in the residence halls in response to someone defecating in the laundry room of an on campus residence, the New Haven Register reports (emphasis added).

Holy cow! You don’t see that on the Ariel ad, do you? I guess if the blonde had been studying at Yale, she’d be asking mummy to send down an extra box of detergent. Ahem.

^{What is that? Coffee, right? Wrong. Very wrong!}

The Yale Daily News writes that "it took the physical delivery of the excrement to the Saybrook Master's Office to catch administrators' attention." At least four such incidents have occurred in the laundry room of the Saybrook College.

[Saybrook College advised] students not to leave their laundry unattended, [and explained] the affected machines have been thoroughly disinfected, and [the college were] actively seeking information about who the perpetrator might be.

And here’s a further piece of advice to students using laundrettes whilst living in halls: make damned sure you check the contents of the powder drawer before you switch the washing machine on!

Yale sophomore Attila Yaman told WTNH students are taking turns keeping watch over their laundry to ensure the "poopetrator" is not able to soil their garments.

Lucy Fleming, another sophomore, summed up her feelings to the Daily News thusly: "I simultaneously wanted to throw up, cry and punch someone."

Get used to it, Lucy. That’s kind of what being a student feels like most of the time.

Newsreader reinvents the iPad

From the Guardian 18/09/13:

It is a blunder worthy of fictional broadcasters Ron Burgundy or Alan Partridge, but BBC News presenter Simon McCoy outdid both characters on Wednesday when he presented a report while carrying a stack of photocopier paper – after mistaking it for an iPad.

The 51-year-old broadcaster was fronting a live piece to camera from the BBC newsroom when he picked up a refill pack of A4 paper instead of his more high-tech prop.

Instead of acknowledging his mistake and swapping the items, McCoy carried on with the report with the batch of paper clearly visible in his hands.

How is this even possible? I understand that the pressure of presenting live television must be immense, but surely it’s not so much that you mistake the normal weight of an iPad for that of a ream of A4 paper?

In any case, once realising his mistake, he should have salvaged what little of his dignity he could and gracefully placed the ream of paper on the ground instead of presenting the story in the manner of a shelf-stacker at Staples.

Or something. 

‘Captain Sum Ting Wong’ broadcasting debacle

From the Metro 15/07/13:

Asiana Airlines is considering legal action over a TV news report that broadcast four spoof names that it said were the pilot’s involved in the San Francisco plane crash.

The carrier said its reputation had been ‘badly damaged’ after the bogus names were read out on the city’s KTVU-TV, along with a graphic of the burned-out plane.

An news anchor kept a straight face as she read the names ‘Captain Sum Ting Wong’, ‘Wi Tu Lo’, ‘Bang Ding Ow’ and ‘Ho Le Fuk’.

Despite claiming the names had been confirmed by a National Transportation Safety Board official, the anchor later apologised for the station’s mistake.

The National Transportation Safety Board has also apologised, saying a summer intern erroneously confirmed the names of the flight crew.

Asiana is mulling unspecified legal measures against both KTVU-TV and the NTSB.

I’m no expert when it comes to US law, but I should imagine the ‘unspecified legal measures’ the article refers to is defamation (that is, libel – assuming US law treats ‘broadcasted slander’ in the same way as English law) and, as against the KTVU-TV, a possible breach of the USA’s broadcasting law.

Whether Asiana would have a viable action (certainly in the case of defamation proceedings) remains far from clear, however.

Maybe from a PR point of view, this might be a case of ‘least said, soonest mended’.

Pooting PC declared hero in drugs haul

From the Metro 13/06/13:

A cannabis factory was sniffed out by police after they wound down their car windows to escape the smell when one officer kept breaking wind.

The team noticed a second strange scent as they sucked in the welcome fresh air, and tracked it to a house before enforcing the pong arm of the law, the Police Federation’s magazine reported.

‘They asked their colleague in the back what he had been eating, and after fits of giggles and denials, they realised the cannabis smell was in the air in the street outside,’ it said.

It’s nice to see the officers maintaining a high degree of professionalism and maturity whilst on patrol!

‘All three officers’ suspicions were raised and they left the car to get some fresh air and find the cause of the cannabis smell.

[T]he officers, following their noses, found a cannabis factory with a crop worth £12,000.

Seven people at the property in Leicester were arrested.

The officer with the wind problem had been on a high-protein diet after taking up body building.

Oooh - stink-a-rama!! I’m surprised the officer wasn’t put on a solo beat to save his colleagues from his noxious gas!

Quite lucky though; it’s got to rank up there with the most serendipitous of poots.

Maybe placing certain officers on high-protein diets should become standard practice now to help in the fight against drugs.

Playground brawl between parents resolved by police with CS spray

From BBC News 30/05/13:

Police used CS spray to break up a fight between parents in the playground of an infants [sic] school.

The fight broke out at Penryn Infants School in Cornwall as children waited to be collected.

Devon and Cornwall Police said some people began "behaving in a disorderly way".

Officers were forced to use captor spray, a pepper-based CS spray, on a man who was allegedly assaulting a pupil's mother.

A man was arrested and has been released on bail until July, pending further inquiries.

The spray is believed to have been deployed in front of children in the school playground during the incident last Thursday.

A force spokesman confirmed that the spray was used in the playground.

Oh that’s just lovely. It’s nice to see the parents of Penryn setting such an example to their children as to how to behave in a playground. What was that about do unto others?

I wonder what happened. Did one parent push in line at the kids’ pick-up time?

I miss Cornish life sometimes. Far from being the sleepy, parochial county full of cream teas, country lanes and sweet tranquillity that it sometimes makes out, what you really get is parents fighting in school playgrounds and the occasional man chopping his own penis off in the street. It seems it’s all going on down at Penryn!

PC cops it over curb

From the Huffington Post 31/03/13:

A petrol station owner who phoned police when he thought he was being burgled is being sued by one of the attending officers because she tripped on a kerb.

Steve Jones called police last August when the alarm protecting his garage forecourt went off around midnight.

PC Kelly Jones, 33, answered the call during which she tripped on a six-inch kerb.

The garage owner told the Mirror: "I thought nothing of it, other than she must have been a bit embarrassed – and I helped her up."

The officer claims she injured her wrist and leg in the fall […] but was able to continue the search of the premises.

PC Jones is now suing him for thousands of pounds for "unnecessary risk of injury" as she was not warned about the kerb and it was insufficiently lit.

Quite right too. Curbs can be hazardous.

In other news, one of Ms Jones’ colleagues is suing the local council, seeking damages for pain and suffering after they stubbed their toe on a step when chasing after a suspect.

After all, if a Tesco delivery driver can go A over T and sue the property owner, why not a copper?

Taking the Biscuit

Hmm… haven’t we been here before?

From the Metro 25/03/13:

Flapjacks cut into triangles have been banned from a school after a pupil was hit in the eye with one during a food fight.

The bizarre health and safety ruling was imposed after a boy in Year 7 suffered a ‘sore eye’ when he was accidentally hit by the tasty snack which had been thrown by another student.

Dinner ladies at the Essex comprehensive school were told to cut flapjacks into squares or rectangles only – with three-sided versions deemed just too dangerous for children.

But square or rectangular flapjacks have 4 potential corners to gouge a child’s eye out. Surely that makes them more dangerous than triangular versions, not less?

Headteacher Gill Thomas reportedly slapped the ban on the pointy-shaped delicacies following the food fracas in the canteen last Wednesday.

The flapjack victim was patched up and sent home from Castle View School on Canvey Island but did not require hospital treatment.

[An ‘insider’ told the Sun newspaper] “[i]f they’re going to be extreme maybe they should insist on only round desserts”.

That’s just silly. A circular flapjack could still cause serious injuries if thrown Frisbee-style at an unwitting student. Clearly that ‘insider’ hadn’t thought it through appreciated the gravity of the risks involved here.

A safer plan would be to require dinner ladies school mealtime assistance operatives to grind the flapjacks down to granola like crumbs which can’t be turned into dangerous projectiles. Then again, what if the granola is pressed into service as canteen based shrapnel?

Best stick to jelly and ice cream, I say.