Friday, 25 February 2011

Workplace Consultancy Services 101 – Lessons in Constructive Criticism

Office Violence

I’ve heard that a lot of commercial law firms who who offer employment law advice to businesses are increasingly branching out into offering a full package of services which used to be the domain of the dreaded ‘Human Resources’ department. You know the kind of stuff: materials for appraisals, psychometric tests, staff-engagement/happiness questionnaires and so forth. Personally, I think these services are a bit of a farce, irrespective of who provides them and commercial firms should know better than to sully their reputation by getting mixed up with them.

Anyhow, there was an absolute gem of a letter in the Digg Weekly Digest this week – a photo of a letter from some company’s human resources department who offered helpful suggestions in putting their constructive criticism across more, well, constructively!

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to **********’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of a normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. However, we realize the critical importance accurately expressing your thoughts when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, we provided a list of 18 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases so proper exchange of ideas may continue in an effective manner.




You don't know what the f*** you're doing.

I think you could use more training.

She's a ball-busting b**ch.

She's an aggressive go-getter.

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

Perhaps I can work late.

No f***ing way.

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

You've got to be shi**ing me!


Tell someone who gives a sh**!

Perhaps you should check with...

It's not my f***ing problem.

I wasn't involved in the project.

What the f***?!

That's interesting.

This sh** won't work!

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

Why the f*** didn't you tell me sooner?

I'll try to schedule that.

He's got his head up his a**

He's not familiar with the issues.

Eat sh** and die!

Excuse me, sir?

Kiss my a**!

So you weren't happy with it?

F*** it, I'm on salary.

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up you’re a**

I don't think you understand.

This job sucks!

I love a challenge.

Who the f*** died and made you boss?

You want me to take care of that?

He’s a pr*ck.

He’s somewhat insensitive

Thank You,

Human Resources

Truly inspiring!


  1. Very handy... I'll print this off and frame it at work ;D

  2. Hehe made me laugh. Except we have a swear jar at work, 20p every time. It's costing me a lot :(

  3. We tried that for a while; now we just drop our trousers (or skirts as the case may be) and receive a hard spanking for each swear word uttered, administered by the nominated swear monitor.

    It certainly helps you determine your co-workers with a kinky-streak... they still swear like dockers! ;-)