Workplace Consultancy Services 101 – Lessons in Constructive Criticism

I’ve heard that a lot of commercial law firms who who offer employment law advice to businesses are increasingly branching out into offering a full package of services which used to be the domain of the dreaded ‘Human Resources’ department. You know the kind of stuff: materials for appraisals, psychometric tests, staff-engagement/happiness questionnaires and so forth. Personally, I think these services are a bit of a farce, irrespective of who provides them and commercial firms should know better than to sully their reputation by getting mixed up with them.

Anyhow, there was an absolute gem of a letter in the Digg Weekly Digest this week – a photo of a letter from some company’s human resources department who offered helpful suggestions in putting their constructive criticism across more, well, constructively!

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to **********’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of a normal conversation with their co-workers.
 
Due to complaints, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. However, we realize the critical importance accurately expressing your thoughts when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, we provided a list of 18 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases so proper exchange of ideas may continue in an effective manner.

 

INSTEAD OF	TRY SAYING
You don't know what the f*** you're doing.	I think you could use more training.
She's a ball-busting b**ch.	She's an aggressive go-getter.
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?	Perhaps I can work late.
No f***ing way.	I'm certain that isn't feasible.
You've got to be shi**ing me!	Really?
Tell someone who gives a sh**!	Perhaps you should check with...
It's not my f***ing problem.	I wasn't involved in the project.
What the f***?!	That's interesting.
This sh** won't work!	I'm not sure this can be implemented.
Why the f*** didn't you tell me sooner?	I'll try to schedule that.
He's got his head up his a**	He's not familiar with the issues.
Eat sh** and die!	Excuse me, sir?
Kiss my a**!	So you weren't happy with it?
F*** it, I'm on salary.	I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up you’re a**	I don't think you understand.
This job sucks!	I love a challenge.
Who the f*** died and made you boss?	You want me to take care of that?
He’s a pr*ck.	He’s somewhat insensitive

Thank You,

Human Resources

Truly inspiring!