'appiness for employers

From Roll on Friday 14/07/11:

Scottish firm MacRoberts has joined the twenty-first century and released an app for the iPhone, which allows bosses to find out just how cheaply they can get rid of unwanted employees.

Yay.  And what employer doesn’t want that facility?

I’m pleased to announce I’ll soon be adding something similar to the ever-expanding line of Law Actually products and services.   

Called the ‘fire-o-meter’ (Fireometer) “fire-omm-eater”... you get how I’m saying that - it’s frightfully important!!), it will use your smart phone’s camera and facial recognition technology to spy on your employees and measure their productivity.  

There’s a nifty little slider which an iPhone or Android wielding employer can use to set his or her expectation levels for individual employees and if the camera spies them falling below that standard, it will ping you an email alert telling you to get rid.   Windows Phone 7 users will have to carry on waiting for this app.  They’re clearly gluttonous for punishment anyway.  

The app niftily links in to your employee records to determine when they started work (for the purposes of calculating notice periods) and what role they hold (or should that be held?)

The Fireometer has three defined levels for dealing with unwanted employees:

1. For the once-useful and formerly valued members of staff, it will suggest a one-to-one meeting in which you fire them in person and give them a parting, it’s-nothing-personal slap on the back.  Helpfully, the Fireometer automatically sets up the calendar entries and the meeting request for you.  If you prefer, you can pre-record the firing message via the app and simply press play to avoid any unpleasantness of having to verbally fire the individual in person.
2. Secondly, there’s the standard firing by email or text with the requisite notice, (all  fully automated).  The email contains a video of Donald Trump in typical culling pose with his firing forefinger fully extended in which he shouts, “You’re lazy, you’re stupid, and you’ve been nothing but trouble... you know what [X], You’re Fired!!”. 
3. Finally, for the most egregious shirkers and generally hopeless employees (and, let’s face it, there are a lot of them out there)  it advises you to, ‘stick them out with the trash’.   You’re left to interpret that as you please.

Naturally, we’re following the freemium model; the above functionality is available in the free version.  However, the paid version of the app does two extra things:

1. It fires an email with all the relevant details off to a local law firm which specialises in employment law so they can help clear up the resultant mess.  (btw, we’ve bullet proof T&Cs... all liability is excluded... so don’t come crying to us when you find yourself with an appointment at an Employment Tribunal).
2. It cross-checks the details of the role the ex-employee was doing and sends off requests to recruitment agencies for a replacement.  (Out with the old and in with the new and all that!!)

We’re expecting that law firms and recruitment agencies will be anxious to be included in this service.  Btw, if that sounds like you, and you want to be added, just email: suckers@fireometer.com for our standard terms and rates.  ;-)

I think you’ll agree: this added functionality is the perfect time-saver for the slap-happy employer who doesn’t have the time to source their own employment lawyer or fresh stock of employees.